November 04, 2009



Not sure whether to comment here or over there...

Anyway, really like the piece. A lot of meaning packed into 480 words.

Was there a brief about length? Did it have to come in at less than 500 words?

Interesting project, and well done...


It was a little long for me to read personally, so I had my assistant provide coverage for me. So here are some notes:

Yo Yo: Backstory, yo? What inner conflicts is the Yo Yo working out here? What is ITS hero journey?

Beats, I need beats!

Can the young guy at the gas station be a super hot chick? You know, Megan Fox meets some smokin' Siberian model?

Can we move the gas station to Beverly Hills? Glitz it up a bit?

"Walking the dog" - I'm not feeling it. Can't the Yo Yo fly or shoot lasers or something instead? Better yet: Can the Yo Yo talk? In a cute Mexican accent or something?

I like the memoir angle, though. Very James Frey.

Hope these notes help.

Chris W

Hi there,

Just wanted to say that I thought that was a great opening. As a short story writer myself, I spend a lot of time carving that opening par or two. It makes me want to read on, which is the trick...

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