One of the things I've been eager to do with TEV is to throw its doors open to more writers, allowing them to speak directly to readers. In the months ahead, it's my hope that you'll see more and more writers come and grab the wheel here for a day.
Along those lines, what follows is Gayle Brandeis' account of her Saturday night reading at Antioch University. I was unable to make it but I realized that even if I had, you'd merely be getting yet another Reading Report, none of which tend to vary that much: How many people where, what was read, some of the foolish questions, et alia. And so instead, I asked Gayle if she'd care to write an account of the reading from the writer's point of view. She accepted, and here's her take on the reading.
When my husband was a hang glider pilot, he would know that he was going to fly if his heart started thumping on his way up the mountain. If he felt relaxed, he knew he would get to the launch site and the wind would be going the wrong direction or the wrong velocity and he'd have to drive back down the hill without taking the glider out of its 12 foot long nylon sack.It's kind of the same for me with readings. If my heart starts pounding before I get up to read, I know I'm going to be on. If I feel calm beforehand, the reading may be fine, but it probably won't blow anyone's socks off. My heart was thudding so hard before my reading this past Saturday, I wasn't sure I'd be able to read at all.
I had been invited to read at Antioch University as part of their new LA Writers Series. I received my MFA from Antioch's low residency program in 2001, so this was a homecoming of sorts. My reading fell on the last night of the June residency. At that point in the program, students are usually in an altered state-exhausted, inspired, overwhelmed. I was touched and amazed that so many people showed up to hear me read. The large room was packed.I had recently returned from a book tour, promoting the paperback release of The Book of Dead Birds. I had written the novel while I was a student at Antioch; I thought reading from the book there would provide some nice symmetry to my writing life, a full and satisfying circle. The more I thought about it, though, the more claustrophobic I felt. I had grown tired, I realized, of hearing myself read from, talk about, the novel. I decided to take a risk, read something new.
A student gave me a great introduction; I especially liked the fact that he said my characters didn't just breathe-they sneezed and coughed and sang. This ended up being strangely appropriate, as I had decided to read from Sick Girl, my memoir-in-poems-in-progress. When I was a teenager, I was violently sick for a year. After I started to get better, I pretended to be sick for another entire year because I had grown so attached to my sick girl identity. My sister got very sick after I finally allowed myself to be healthy; years later, I found out she had been fabricating illness, as well. Most of my friends know I had been sick when I was young; few of them know I prolonged my illness. It had always been my deepest, darkest, secret. Now I was going to share it with a room full of people. My heart was pounding so hard, I thought it would find a way to break through my ribs. I took a deep breath and walked to the podium.
I couldn't see anyone in the audience as I read one poem after another-the lights on my face were too bright-but I could feel the whole room of people there, breathing with me. I was surprised and delighted by the occasional laughter. It felt good to break open what had been the most painful part of my life and let some air in, some light in.
Afterwards, at the champagne and dessert bar set up in the back of the room, a friend came up to me, beaming. "You're so perverse!" she said. "I love it!" Other people thanked me for my balls. I had never thought of myself as particularly perverse or ballsy before, but I was glad to claim those names, at least for a while. One of the main things I had taken away from my experience as a student at Antioch was how we need to move toward the things that scare us, the things that make us uncomfortable, as writers, because that is where the power lies. I could feel the truth of that on Saturday night, ramming through my ventricles, fizzing through my veins.
Mark,
Great idea! I still like the idea of your giving the keys to the site away and seeing how it looks in this short version makes me appreciate your idea even more.
Thanks to Gayle for being the guinea pig on this one. Sounds like it would have been a great reading to attend!
Enjoy,
Posted by: Dan Wickett | June 28, 2004 at 01:16 PM
I love Gayle's description of how heart-pounding is often a precursor to a great reading. I've never thought about it, but she may have something there. And I loved reading about her ballsy public confession. Thanks!
Posted by: Masha Hamilton | August 18, 2004 at 04:40 PM
I love the idea that a pounding heart may be a precursor to a great reading. Gayle may have something there...
Also loved reading about her ballsy public confession. Thanks!
Posted by: Masha Hamilton | August 18, 2004 at 04:42 PM